


Peter Parker's Step-By-Step Guide to Get These Two Dumbasses to Kiss Already

by everythingsace



Series: Thank God For Peter Parker [6]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Getting Together, I like it, I love pete so much, M/M, Matchmaking, Peter Parker Saves The Day, Pining, Precious Peter Parker, Tony Stark Has A Heart, by being a meddling dork, god i cant think of tags, it's been so long since i wrote just like, pure fluff, there's no angst guys holy shit, this fic is ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 06:52:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10736424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingsace/pseuds/everythingsace
Summary: Rhodes was on the floor, his legs pulled up beside him, and Mr. Stark was kneeling down beside him, asking questions and checking if he was okay.With the biggest heart-eyes he’d ever seen.Peter’s jaw dropped as he stared, his eyes turning to Rhodes, only to realize that he had the doe eyes, too. Not quite as bad and obvious, but holy shit.Holy shit.





	Peter Parker's Step-By-Step Guide to Get These Two Dumbasses to Kiss Already

**Author's Note:**

> This was a joy to write. It's not one of my favorite works, but it was just very fun. I hope you like it!

They were pathetic.

Adorable, but absolutely fucking pathetic.

Peter realized this one afternoon as he was sitting in the kitchen, doing his homework. Colonel Rhodes was practicing with his braces.  Mr. Stark was walking right beside him, acting as his spotter.

Peter looked up, across the island that separated the kitchen from the living room, a question about his math homework on the tip of his tongue. However, as soon as his eyes landed on Mr. Stark and Rhodes, any previous thought left his mind.

Rhodes was on the floor, his legs pulled up beside him, and Mr. Stark was kneeling down beside him, asking questions and checking if he was okay.

With the _biggest_ heart-eyes he’d ever seen.

Peter’s jaw dropped as he stared, his eyes turning to Rhodes, only to realize that _he_ had the doe eyes, too. Not quite as bad and obvious, but holy shit.

_Holy shit._

Peter wasn’t sure how he hadn’t seen this before. These two grown adults were looking at the other like he was the light of his life. Peter resisted a gag. Oh, this was getting gross. They were still staring! Even as they were talking, they looked disgustingly infatuated.

Peter sighed before flipping the page in his notebook. He was not going to sit to the side and do nothing about this revelation.

* * *

  **Step 1: Confirm that they have romantic feelings for each other.**

Peter didn’t want to waste his time, so his first step, obviously, was to make sure he wasn’t.

Step one wasn’t difficult. That didn’t mean it wasn’t painful. Peter didn’t anticipate how _frustrating_ it’d be to watch as they stared at each other longingly while the other remained completely oblivious.

Mr. Stark’s proof came when they were all sitting in the workshop. Peter was unwillingly working on his homework, because Mr.  McCall was a dick who assigned an essay over spring break. Colonel Rhodes was helping Tony tweak the design of his braces, and the two were rambling about Star Trek. Peter didn’t really know what they were talking about, because he’d never seen Star Trek, but he knew that Ned was confident that Spock and Kirk were gay for each other. He remembered that Ned mentioned that there was a phrase-- T’hy’la?-- that apparently was some pretty significant evidence.

“Hey, what does T’hy’la mean?” Peter asked, glancing up from his homework because following this train of thought was more interesting than analyzing Gatsby.  

Colonel Rhodes barely looked up, but Mr. Stark _immediately_ looked at Colonel Rhodes. “It’s a Vulcan term that means ‘friend, brother, lover.’” He frowned, looking up. “Why?”

 _Oh._ Yeah, that was proof. By the way Mr. Stark was staring at the colonel, Peter got the feeling that _T’hy’la_ perfectly summed up the genius’s feelings.

Shrugging, Peter looked back at his paper. “Nothing. Ned just mentioned it one time when he was gushing about Spirk.”

“You heathen,” Mr. Stark said, snapping out of his Rhodes TranceTM. “It’s not _Spirk._ It’s just Kirk-slash-Spock. We didn’t combine names like you kids. If it wasn’t Kirk-slash-Spock, it was just K-slash-S.”

“Personally, I like Kock,” Colonel Rhodes said, grinning, and Peter rolled his eyes.

“We know you do,” he said, and he was rewarded with Mr. Stark’s laughter and a snort from the colonel.

* * *

 

Colonel Rhodes’s proof came when they were all sitting in the living room and watching _The Force Awakens._ Peter was apparently the only one who’d seen it, as the colonel had been on duty when it came out and Mr. Stark had been preparing for some gala, and they’d both just never gotten around to it.

The pure excitement on Mr. Stark’s face when Peter suggested watching it was kind of priceless. He had immediately grabbed Colonel Rhodes and Vision (who was very amused by the excitement in the room), and they had all piled onto the couch.

When Han and Chewbacca appeared on the screen, Mr. Stark shot up and grabbed his best friend’s arm. Peter snickered, Vison hid a smile, and Colonel Rhodes pulled his gaze away from the screen only to give Mr. Stark the most besotted expression Peter had ever seen.

It was absolutely adorable.

They continued to be cute as Mr. Stark began smacking Colonel Rhodes excitedly in the arm, whispering, “ _Rhodey, Rhodey, Rhodey,”_  and Rhodes just grinned at him like a lovesick idiot until it became sickening.

* * *

 

**Step 2: Now that you know for sure these dumbasses are infatuated with each other, get them alone.**

 

Peter had been hiding in the kitchen for twenty minutes, peering into the living room and making sure that Colonel Rhodes wasn’t going to get up anytime soon. When he changed the channel to a show on HGTV, Peter did a little fist pump and pulled out his phone, shooting a quick text to Mr. Stark, asking him to come upstairs to help out with some math homework.

Seconds later, he got a reply. _Didn’t you say you didn’t have any homework this weekend?_

Oh. He had, hadn’t he? Ugh, screw Peter from the past. He made up a lie about simply forgetting and sent that.

_Could you come down here? Can’t really walk away from this project._

Peter glowered at the phone. Was it so fucking hard to take an elevator upstairs. Was it? He texted, _But I’m lazyyyy._

_How is it that you complain about taking an elevator down a few floors, when just three days ago I saw you on the news scaling a skyscraper._

Peter groaned and threw down his phone, storming through the living room to the elevator, ignoring Colonel Rhodes’s surprised “Wait, have you been in there the whole time?”

* * *

 

The next day, he tried the reverse. Mr. Stark was making a sandwich in the kitchen, and Peter was hiding behind the couch in the living room. He texted Colonel Rhodes, asking him to teach him to make that chili everyone loves, because he’d like to make it for Aunt May for her birthday (which wasn’t even technically a lie, even if her birthday was a month away).

Colonel Rhodes texted back, _I dunno. It’s a family recipe. Not sure if you’re worthy._

Peter’s fists clenched. Did he have to be so difficult? _Come on, rhodes, pleeeeaaase._

Luckily, Colonel Rhodes textes back _fine_ , and Peter did a fist pump, before darting into the bathroom and hiding.

 After a few minutes, the elevator’s doors opened, and Peter peeked around the bathroom doorway. From here, he could not only see into the living room, but he could see into the kitchen as well. He watched Colonel Rhodes walk out slowly; he was making lots of progress, and Mr. Stark’s braces helped a lot.

Peter watched as Mr. Stark looked over, and the way he perked up was both endearing and ridiculously pathetic.

“Hey, sourpatch, you’re doing great!”  he said, grinning as Colonel Rhodes joined him in the kitchen.

“Thanks, Tones…” Rhodes said distractedly, looking around the room with his eyebrows furrowed. “Where’s Peter?” he asked, and said teenager quickly ducked behind the doorway.

“He… was here a minute ago,” Mr. Stark said, walking into the living room, sandwich forgotten. Finally, he shrugged. “I don’t know. Teenagers,” he huffed, and Colonel Rhodes rolled his eyes affectionately.

“Alright,” he said, letting out a grunt before shoving himself off the counter and heading towards the elevator.

 _No,_ Peter thought, glaring daggers at Rhodes. _Don’t you dare go into that elevator. Stay and confess your feelings, you stupid, emotionally constipated--_

The elevator’s doors closed, and Peter threw his head back in frustration.

* * *

 

Colonel Rhodes was reading the news on a tablet, and Mr. Stark was working again. Peter glared at both of them, going completely unnoticed, before he blurted, “You two should go see a movie together.”

They both looked up, confused expressions on their face. “Or something,” Peter added, and refused to back down when the men looked at him like he was insane.

“What?” Mr. Stark said finally, his eyebrows furrowed. He looked concerned for Peter’s mental being.

“You two. Should go see a movie together. Or something,” Peter said. “When’s the last time you guys just chilled together?”

“Chill,” Mr. Stark repeated, narrowing his eyes.

“Yeah.”

“Peter, are you okay?” Colonel Rhodes asked, setting the tablet down. “You’ve been acting weird.”

“No, _you’ve_ been acting weird. You guys are too stressed. Just, like, go see a movie. Relax.”

Colonel Rhodes and Mr. Stark shared a careful look, before looking back at Peter. “Pete, we watch movies all the time.”

“Yeah, _old_ ones. With me. You should go see a new movie. Uh. He thought about what was in theaters, and he said, “You guys could see, like… _Beauty and the Beast_. That has really good reviews.”

“Kid, if you want to see a movie, just ask. You don’t have to be weird about it,” Colonel Rhodes said, and Peter facepalmed.

“No! I’m not-- just-- fucking go see a movie together! Is that so difficult?” he snaps, and the two men gape at him, looking completely lost and _very_ worried.

“Aren’t you supposed to be past the whole… mood swing stage of puberty?” Mr. Stark asked slowly.

Peter threw his hands up. “I’m not-- it’s not puberty! Just-- _God,_ you guys are so _annoying.”_  

* * *

 

Peter looked at his handiwork. The kitchen table had a fancy tablecloth that he might have stolen from Aunt May, with plates set up with all the necessary silverware that Google says is required. He’d plopped some takeout Italian onto each of the plates, even served the salad he ordered onto the tiny salad plates. He’d poured grape juice into two wine glasses, because Mr. Stark had gotten rid of all the alcohol in the tower months ago. Peter even looked up how to fold those cloth napkins.

Not bad. He looked around, though, frowning, because something was missing. Oh, he forgot to light the candles. He turned around, dug through a drawer for a lighter, before spinning back around. He flicked the lighter, and carefully lit each of the candles, before setting the lighter aside. Huh. Something still wasn’t right.

“FRIDAY, can you dim the lights? Fifty percent?”

_Perfect._

He grinned, pulling out his phone and texted both Colonel Rhodes and Mr. Stark to go to the kitchen.

He heard a notification sound right outside the kitchen, and he jumped, whipping around to see Mr. Stark watching him. “Uh--”

Mr. Stark gave him a disappointed, exasperated look. _“What_ are you doing?” he asked, before pulling out his phone to check the notification. He frowned, looking up at Peter, eyes wide with realization. “Wait. Is this for _me and Rhodey?”_

“Uh.”

Peter bolted.

* * *

 

**Step 3: Gather recruitments.**

“Peter!”

Peter’s footsteps stopped halfway through the door into his apartment. He carefully took a few steps forward, finding Aunt May leaning against the couch with her arms crossed.

He paused. “... Yes?”

“I got a call from Tony.”

“... Okay.”

She raises an eyebrow. “He says that you’ve been trying to set them up. On dates.”

“That’s… he’s lying. Obviously, he’s lying, why-- why would I do that? That’d be… weird. I wasn’t. Didn’t. I didn’t do that, clearly.”

“Peter, _why_ are you messing with two grown men’s love lives?”

“No! I’m messing with their lack thereof! So they actually have love lives. Because they could.” He mutters to himself, “If they just get their heads out of their asses.”

Wait.

He brightened, looking at Aunt May with wide eyes. He pointed to her. “I need your help.”

She opens her mouth, looking at him exasperatedly. “What? Peter, I am not going to help you interfere--”

“C’mon, Aunt May! They have known each other for _thirty years,_ and they _still_ haven’t confessed their feelings for each other. If we don’t interfere, they’ll never say anything! Please?” he begged.

She raised her eyebrow skeptically.

“Please, Aunt May. I just want them to be happy,” he said, smiling innocently.

She huffed, side-eyeing him reluctantly. “I _did_ think they were dating the first time I saw them together.”

Peter grinned hopefully. “So?”

She huffed, rolling her eyes. “Fine.” She began to walk away, before she stopped and pointed at him. “But you have _got_ to learn to be more subtle.”

He gave her a mock salute. “Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

 

“Ms. Potts!”

The woman turned her head, her hair flipping over her shoulder. “Peter,” she said, sounding surprised. “What are you doing down here?” It wasn’t often Peter was in the office levels of Stark Tower.

Peter hurried to a stop beside her, his backpack jostling behind him. “I need your help,” he said, looking at her pleadingly.

Her eyebrows raised. “With what? What’s wrong?”

Peter shifted, realizing suddenly that this might’ve been an awkward request, asking her to help him set up her ex with his best friend. He tried anyway. “Have you noticed that Mr. Stark and Colonel Rhodes are pining over each other?”

Ms. Potts stared at him for a moment before snorting. He blinked in surprise. Was this a good reaction or a bad reaction?

“Uh,” he said.

“Peter, I have known that those two have been in love with each other since the first time I saw them together.”

Peter blinked. “But…”

She sighed, shaking her head. “Tony did love me when we were dating, I’ve never doubted that. He’s always loved Rhodey, too, though. That, of course, had nothing to do with us breaking up. That was just--” She cut herself off, shaking her head again and widening her eyes. Peter understood that expression, felt it enough when Mr. Stark was feeling particularly self-destructive. (Which, luckily, was a state that was occurring less and less often.) She also probably didn’t want to get into her dating history with a sixteen-year-old.

“Point is,” she said, “Trust me, I _know_ he’s pining. I’m assuming you want to do something about it?”

Peter nodded.

“Well,” she said, sighing. “Good _luck._ Tony is the worst with expressing feelings. Especially deep, _deep_ feelings that have been buried for decades. But,” she said, giving him a calculating look, “you may be able to do it. Maybe. You can’t talk to Tony directly about it.”

“Of course,” Peter said, mentally taking notes.

“You might not be able to talk to Rhodes about it either, because he’s probably pressed down his feelings for a while too. He’s not as bad at expressing his emotions as Tony is, but he’s not exactly great. Being in the military probably hasn’t helped.” She flicked her eyes toward the ceiling, before looking at Peter again and asking, “What have you tried so far?”

“I keep trying to get them alone, but one of them always leaves and they never actually _talk._ They just talk about movies and the suits and the leg braces, but they don’t talk about their feelings. Also, Aunt May says I’m really bad at being subtle.”

“Wait,” Ms. Potts said, her eyes wide. “Rhodey told me he found candles in the garbage. What did you _do?”_

“Listen! I needed them to actually stay in the same place, so I tried to set up, y’know, a little date--”

“With _candles?_ Like that wouldn’t send Tony running for the hills?” Ms. Potts demanded, her eyes wide with disbelief.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” Peter said glumly. “But I didn’t know what to do. What should I do?”

Ms. Potts looked contemplative, placing her clipboard against her hip. Finally, she said, “You can’t push them toward something new.”

“But--”

“Ah,” she said, cutting him off with a flick of her hand. “We have to use what we’ve already got. They’re both very protective of each other. Rhodey loves Tony when he’s happy and soft. His levels of affection seriously skyrocket when Tony’s sleep-deprived and cuddly.”

“So I need to make Mr. Stark sleep-deprived?” Peter asked, confused.

“Not necessarily. He gets sleep-deprived on his own all the time, though he’s getting better. Thank you, by the way.” Peter didn’t really know how he helped in that respect, but okay. “You just need to make sure Rhodey catches him in that state. Maybe lead him into the workshop when you know he’s getting tired.”

“But then _I’ll_ be there, and they won’t do anything if I’m there,” Peter countered.

“You’re right,” Ms. Potts conceded, tilting her head. After a moment, she nodded. “Recruit FRIDAY. And the bots, especially Dum-E. He’s been around since MIT, he’s experienced the pining longer than anyone.”

“Okay,” Peter said, nodding. He went through his mental checklist, before nodding again. “Okay. I’ve got this.”

“You’ve got this,” Ms. Potts repeated, looking amused.

* * *

 

As soon as the elevator doors closed behind Peter, he said, “FRIDAY, I need your help.”

“Is this about your matchmaking endeavors?” FRIDAY asked, and Peter nodded.

“Yes, and I need your help. And the bots’.”

There’s a pause, before FRIDAY says, somewhat hesitantly, “How can I help?”

Peter grinned.

* * *

 

**Step 4: Follow Pepper’s plan.**

 

Peter watched the display of his phone (courtesy of Mr. Stark) from his room, his eyes narrowed and focused. This had to work. It was a plan by none other than Virginia Potts. Colonel Rhodes and Mr. Stark may be infuriating, but Ms. Potts is _Ms. Potts._

There was a knock on his door, and Aunt May stepped in, her mouth open to ask something, but it fell shut when she saw the holographic display. “Peter! Are you _spying?”_  she demanded, looking at the footage FRIDAY was feeding to him of Mr. Stark conked out on the sofa.

“It’s part of the _mission,”_ Peter objected. “I need to see if this works.”

“Peter,” she says, exasperated.

“C’mon, Aunt May! Oh, shut up, it’s Rhodes!” he said, looking at the screen excitedly as the colonel entered the room onscreen.

Aunt May rolled her eyes. “Now you’re sounding like Tony,” she said.

“Thanks,” Peter said absently, obviously not catching what she meant, but she couldn’t help but smile at his automatic response.

Then she focused on what exactly her nephew was up to,  and she forced her expression to be stern. “Peter, you can’t--”

“Shuuuuhhh--” he shushed, waving his hand in her face. Aunt May rolled her eyes, looking at the screen and crossing her arms.

* * *

 

Rhodes looked around the workshop until he spotted Tony, fast asleep on the couch, his mushed against the arm. Jim sighed, but he smiled fondly. Of _course_ , Tony had passed out down here. He’d been hoping to get the man to bed first, but he’d take what he could get.

He jumped as he felt something prod his back. He turned to find Dum-E, and he squinted at him, about to question him, but the bot simply nudged him again. “Dum-E, what the hell are you--”

But Dum-E just kept pushing him until he fell onto the couch right next to Tony. Jim looked at Dum-E incredulously. “What is going on?” he asked, but Dum-E simply picked up Jim’s arm, much to his bemusement, and gently dropped it onto his creator’s leg.

“Wha--?”

“Rhodes?”

Jim jumped, looking at Tony who was squinting blearily at Jim’s hand. On his leg. His _thigh._ Jim snatched up his hand like he’d been burned, an apology already on his tongue, but Tony seemed to shrug it off as he sluggishly sat up.

“No, Tones, go back to sleep.”

“Your hand was on my leg,” he said, looking at him in confusion. Or maybe he didn’t shrug it off.

“No, I just-- Dum-E was--”

Tony interrupted him with a sigh. “Did Peter put you up to this?” he asked, rubbing his brow with his thumb and forefinger.

Jim’s eyebrows furrowed. “What are you talking about?”

Tony sighed again, slumping back against the couch. “Peter seems to think I need romance in my life. Or something. I caught him trying to--” A yawn cut him off, and Jim’s insides did a little twist at the way his faces scrunched up. “--I caught him trying to set me up. On a date.”

“On a date?” Jim repeated, squinting.

Tony nodded. “Yeah. With _you._ Like, candles and everything. I don’t even know. You know, I knew I was taking on a lot when I brought him in, but like, _Jesus,_ I didn’t think I would have to deal with _matchmaking._ And terrible matchmaking apparently, because we’ve known each other for thirty years, if there was going to be any dating, we’d have done it already, it’s not like--”

An uncomfortable feeling settled in Jim’s gut. “Oh, so no secret pining I should know about?” he joked, grinning, trying to push the feeling away with pure will.

Tony let out a startled laugh, and Jim’s gaze flashed to Tony’s eyes, because that was Tony’s _nervous_ laugh. He hadn’t heard it in a long time, but there was no doubt in his mind. Tony… Tony was _nervous._

“You _wish,_ honeybear,” Tony said, smirking. “Any secret pining _I_ should worry about?” he asked.

Jim stared at Tony for a moment, eyeing him carefully. Finally, with his heart racing so fast he could feel it in his toes, he said, “Now, I never said _worry.”_

Tony tilted his head, squinting at Jim, now much more awake. “What?”

“I asked if there was any pining I should _know_ about. I never said ‘worry,’” Jim repeated, mentally praying that he was right. Please, _please_ let him be right.

After a moment of more staring and confusion, Tony said, “I don’t think I--”

“Tony, if I’m misreading this situation _at all,_ tell me, but--”

“Wait, are you--?”

“Tony, _listen,_ I’ve kind of--”

“Am _I_ reading this right? You--?”

“ _Yes,_ Tony, I really--”

“But you’re-- we’ve never--”

“For the love of God, Tony, shut up,” Jim said, grabbing Tony’s face and kissing him.

Kissing him.

Holy _shit._

By the way Tony went rigid, Jim could tell the genius was short-circuiting. He gently pulled away, eyeing him carefully. “Was that okay?” he asked quietly, letting his hands slip to Tony’s shoulders instead.

“I…” Tony muttered, looking lost.

“Tones, I just want to know. Was that okay?”

After a moment, Tony shuddered a sigh, shut his eyes, then opened them again and said, “I don’t know.”

Jim’s heart fumbled as he looked down, dropping his hands. Of course, he shouldn’t have--

“I might need you to try again.”

Jim looked up so fast, he could’ve gotten whiplash. “What?”

Tony smiled slowly, nervous but sly as well. “I might need you to try again. Just to make sure.”

A grin gradually formed on Jim’s lips as he repeated, “Just to make sure.”

“Just to make sure,” Tony said, nodding.

“You’re an idiot,” Jim said fondly, leaning in again, and fifteen miles away, Peter Parker cheered victoriously.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know if you noticed any mistakes! Kudos and comments are always appreciated! (My tumblr is tonystarkreactor, if you wanna go follow me there.)


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